One benched person's PSA for politer budgeting

As a public service to those of you in the throes of budgeting for 2009, I’ve compiled this handy review of business-planning etiquette to assure the process stays civil. I owe a thank-you note to the Emily Post Golf Clap Association for its recommendation that I snip out Item 47, about holding open a high-floor window so your business manager can climb onto the ledge with less scuffing.

Here are the tips that should be read with bent pinky:

Laser pens should never be used as weapons. Besides, the beam is too weak to do any harm no matter how long you train it on that guy with suspenders from Accounting. Or at least so I’ve been told.

There is no such thing as Ninja PowerPoint, a take-off of the popular presentation model where karate chops can be given to anyone who includes an especially dumb slide.

Announcing an attack on another department head in no way lessens the offense. Ditto for pointing out that one phone call to a pork store in Jersey would help the offending department stay within its headcount.

Muffins are to be eaten, not wrapped up, taken home and frozen for leaner times ahead.

The “no cell phones” rule applies to all uses, including as projectiles. And there is no asterisk in the rules that exempts the head of Finance.

Do not ask the head of IT if there’s a Rosetta Stone program for whatever he’s speaking. Try to get that kid with the tattoos who wiped all the porn off your old laptop to explain it to you later.

Do not show up to the conference room with a blanket and slippers.

Holding a clock and making the hands turn fast is not an acceptable way to let a presenter know you resent the amount of time he’s taking out of your life. Ditto for holding up a calendar and ripping off the pages one by one.

Laughing when the CEO gives your department its target figure for 2009 is not recommended. Also try to refrain from responses that begin, “Beam me up Scotty…”